Talking the Talk Getting Through Puberty with your Child By Nancy Fries

If you have an adolescent or pre-adolescent child who is showing signs of blossoming this spring, you maybe unsure how to cultivate your own role in the process. Puberty. Even the word sounds so, well…daunting. But, as uncomfortable as you may feel broaching the subject, it’s time to put on the gloves and get digging. The roots of puberty are already sprouting in your child, even if you can’t yet see them, and it’s never too early to start sowing the seeds of good communication.

This is a lesson Leslie Dixon learned at the tender age of 9. Dixon, now an adult, went away to Girl Scout camp expecting to come home with new skills, new memories, new friends. What she didn’t expect was to come home a woman, having gotten her period at camp before she even knew what a period was.

“ I was getting my period, but I was still playing with my Barbie dolls,” says Dixon, now an adult. “In some respects, I still had the innocence of childhood; in some respects, my body had taken over.” Her personal experience led Dixon to make a career out of helping ensure other youngsters don’t reach the precipice of puberty without a navigational guide. She formed Birds & Bees Connection, one of several local programs bringing parents and kids together to learn and discuss that oh-so-uncomfortable topic in a safe, open and non-threatening environment. (See Resources).

These days, it’s no longer enough to pick a day to sit down with your child and have “the talk.” “There is no ‘talk,’” says Dixon. “It is an ongoing conversation.” That conversation, she says, needs to begin earlier than ever before, and to include “teachable moments” in the car, at bedtime, or whenever they arise. Statistically, there has been a slight shift towards earlier development, with girls getting their period at an average age of 12.8. (See: Defining “Normal”). But of greater concern, Dixon says, are the calls she regularly receives from parents of seven- and eight-year-olds whose daughters are starting to get pubic hair and breast buds. And as Wendy Gleason (not her real name) learned first-hand, statistical averages don’t matter; your peer group does.

“ I was the tallest girl with the biggest breasts in my 5th grade class,” says Gleason, now an adult. “It didn’t matter that, from a medical standpoint, my development was normal. I was embarrassed by my own body.” Gleason says she hid her figure beneath bulky sweatshirts and declined invitations for sleepovers and swim parties. When she got her period at age 11, “I was in denial,” she says. “I would stuff toilet paper in my pants rather than use real pads, because to use real pads would be to acknowledge that it was a real period.”

EXCLUSIVE WEB ONLY PUBERTY: Defining “Normal” By Nancy Fries Remember the girls in Are You There, God? It’s Me, Margaret by Judy Blume? They all wanted to be the first to get their periods. Well, I don’t know about you, but I never knew anyone like that. We all wanted to develop at the same time, whenever that was. Dream on, says Steven Abelowitz, M.D. of Coastal Kids Pediatric Care with offices in Newport Beach and Laguna Niguel. “There is a wide spectrum in puberty – some would even say a wild spectrum – because you can be five years apart”…and still be “normal.” For girls, breast development begins on average between the ages of 10 1⁄2 and 11, but development as early as ages eight or nine, or as late as 14, is still considered normal. In his practice, Abelowitz says his female patients have their first period, on average, around age 12 1⁄2 – 13. For boys, the first outward sign of puberty is enlargement of the testicles, which is typically seen around age 11 1⁄2, with the range of normal between ages 9–15. He notes that obesity seems to be a factor in the trend toward earlier development across the general population. In Abelowitz’s practice, kids tend to lead more active lifestyles, and “we don’t see them develop as early as in other geographic areas, because we don’t have that much of an issue with obesity,” he says. Even the most on-the-ball parents may not recognize precocious puberty in their child. “Most of the times, in my experience, we are the ones to pick it up – not the parents,” says Abelowitz, which is one reason he recommends regular physicals through the school-age years. Occasionally, medical intervention is warranted, Abelowitz says. “In our practice we’ve had a few eight-year-old girls who started with pubertal signs, grew rapidly, and were not ready for this change,” he says. In these cases, a monthly shot of the hormone Lupron literally stops puberty in its tracks. When the child is both chronologically and psycho-socially ready to resume development, the Lupron shots are terminated and puberty starts right back where it left off. For boys, where the issue is more typically delayed puberty, testosterone or growth hormone may be used to jump-start development. Abelowitz notes that hormonal intervention is warranted only after other, extremely rare causes are ruled out.

If your child develops on the early side or the late side, there can be lasting psychological effects. Studies have shown that early-bloomers are more likely to have emotional and behavioral issues such as depression and substance abuse. Dixon developed an eating disorder and Gleason behaved promiscuously. “I felt uncomfortable in my body, but I guess I found comfort by proving that I was attractive to boys,” she says. Both Dixon and Gleason believe their early puberty continued to affect them emotionally well into adulthood.

We all know that kids today are becoming sexually savvy at an earlier age. And, long before they show physical signs of puberty, kids seem to be adopting that “adolescent attitude.” “When I ask the moms if they notice their girls going through emotional ups and downs, they all raise their hands,” Dixon says. “That’s one of the first changes they notice.” Fathers are noticing it in their sons at an earlier age as well, she adds. If the publicity surrounding the pregnancy of 16-year-old Jamie Lynn Spears isn’t enough to get you talking, consider the statistics: 75% of high school juniors have had sexual intercourse, and 90% are sexually active before their wedding.

Where to Begin
True story: A boy asked his mom, “What’s sex?” His mom proceeded to explain how babies are made. The perplexed child responded with, “I meant on this form I’m filling out, mom. It says sex, M or F.”

“ Less is more,” says Dixon. Charles Tyler, physical education instructor at the Pegasus School, agrees. Tyler conducts “the talk” with boys at the Huntington Beach campus and is widely admired for his ability to make the students feel comfortable discussing the v-word and the p-word. What is his strategy?

“ There are two things I say: Anything about you or your body is private and personal, and the things I talk about are normal and natural.” Private and personal, normal and natural. If only it were that easy for the rest of us!

“ It’s important to answer their questions with a question to make sure you don’t go off on a tangent,” adds Tyler, who has four grown children. “Instead of giving an (immediate) answer ask, ‘Is there a reason why you’re interested in that? Did something happen?’”

Dixon agrees that this tactic helps you gauge how much your child wants to know and why. Both Tyler and Dixon even encourage parents to say, “I need a little more time to think about my answer, but I will get back to you.” And answers should be tailored to a child’s age. A five-year-old who asks “Where do babies come from?” should get a different answer than an eight-year-old, though your first response to either child should be, “Where do you think they come from?” Yet Dixon doesn’t want parents’ fear of saying too much to inhibit communication.

“ We feel like if we give them too much, we’re going to damage them for life,” Dixon says. “No matter what you say, even if you were to give them the most detailed information, it wouldn’t hurt them. They will take in what they can, they will bracket the rest, and then when the curiosity comes back again because they know parents are willing to have the conversation – they’ll ask more.”

Outsourcing the Material
Programs like Dixon’s Birds & Bees Connection courses are designed to help squeamish parents. “I had a father say to me, ‘I’ve come to this class because I’m outsourcing this material’” Dixon laughs. She emphasizes that her purpose isn’t to replace parents’ role in communicating with their children, but rather to augment it.

“ It’s better for kids to learn about sex from a parent than from a friend who might give the wrong information,” says Columba Chaidez, coordinator for Sharing Healthy Adolescent & Parent Experiences (S.H.A.P.E.), a five-week program offered through Camp Fire USA. “The number one comment parents have on why they’ve come to our program is ‘because I don’t know how to start talking to my child.’”

Karen Musselman and her daughter Alex, now 13, attended a six-session program at St. Andrew’s Presbyterian Church three years ago. “The program opened the door to the communication we needed to begin our process about what she would be experiencing in the years to come,” Musselman says. “Now we just reiterate it anytime she has a question. Since my husband and I took the class together with her, we both are available to discuss any issue - even the embarrassing ones!”

I know a couple whose son asked, following the S.H.A.P.E. course, “Dad, did you put your penis in Mom’s vagina?” (Notice the use of the p-word and v-word.) “Yes,” the father replied. “Mom, why did you let him do that?” the boy asked. “Because if I didn’t,” the mother replied, “we wouldn’t have you.”

And that’s just the point. “In our program we discuss sexual intercourse,” Chaidez says, “We make it clear to them that sex is something adults do when they love each other.”

“ The most important thing is encouraging intimacy in the relationship between man and woman, that love relationship, that this is really a wonderful thing for two people who love each other,” Dixon says.

Resources Parent/Child Programs Birds & Bees Connection Contact: Leslie Dixon (949) 215-7809 birdsnbeesconnection.com Programs include single-day and multi-session courses Sharing Healthy Adolescent & Parent Experiences (S.H.A.P.E.) Offered through Camp Fire USA, Orange County Council Contact: Columba Chaidez (714) 547-5200, ext. 27 campfireusa.org/shape.html Five-week programs for parents and kids to attend together St. Andrew’s Presbyterian Church, Newport Beach Contact: Brieana Searcy (949) 574-2220 standrewspres.org A six-week series for 5th graders and their parents held once a year beginning in October Books - The Care and Keeping of You, - The Body Book for Girls, by Valorie Schaefer and Norm Bendell - The Period Book, by Karen Gravelle and Jennifer Gravelle - Ready, Set, Grow! A What’s - Happening to My Body? Book for Younger Girls, by Lynda Madaras and Linda Davick - What’s Going on Down There? - Answers to Questions Boys Find Hard to Ask, by Karen Gravelle et al. - American Medical Association Boy’s Guide to Becoming a Teen and American Medical Association Girl’s Guide to Becoming a Teen - Where Did I Come From? And What’s Happening to Me? A Guide to Puberty, both by Peter Mayle